Amy Schumer
I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.Collection: Humor
I have a healthy relationship with food. My problem is, as a comic, I eat dinner late. But I'll have a smoothie for breakfast every morning, and I keep it pretty low-carb and healthy during the day. At night, I'll have a basic protein, quinoa, and vegetables.Collection: Relationship
I was always like that, at 5 years old, just demanding equality. I thought it could all be fixed if you called attention to it.Collection: Equality
I've always had my wrist slapped for being myself.
It's really hard for a lot of men to have the woman accomplishing more than them.
I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be.
I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was.
I just have this sense of entitlement that I should be able to feel comfortable at all times, like I could go to bed at any moment in what I'm wearing.
Being introverted, it doesn't mean necessarily being shy or being afraid of public speaking; it just means that it's hard for me to interact with people for too long.
The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.
I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.
I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes.
I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.
I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.
I think you can go from being not very funny to working really hard for 10 years and figuring out how to make a living on the road, but I don't think you can rise much above that.
To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you're saying to people.
My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college.
I think standup is pretty good for an introvert because you are performing, but, I mean, it's on your own terms. There are so many people in the room, but it's a one-sided conversation. And you actually don't have to interact - unless you want to.
A big part of becoming a funny person was a major defense mechanism. Onstage, especially as a woman, I've had to be really tough. The second you show a crack, the audience can literally leave.
I really am a chick from Long Island who's just learning along with everyone.
It's not hard for me to be funny. But it's really hard. I don't think a lot of people are funny. I meet a lot of people, and most of them aren't funny.
I love being in my own skin, and I hope other women start feeling better about themselves and waste less energy being ashamed of their bodies.
People get really turned off by feminism.
I'm insanely close to my sister.
Some men's magazines are just downright offensive.
I am not a racist.
I am very into making up my own rules.
I can't hide my feelings. I'm efficient. I've always been that way.
I like people who are predictable.
Happiness can't start with external stuff, whether that's money or success or your body.
I want people to live to their full potential, not to hold themselves back because of insecurities, and especially not women. I see too much of that.
I love watching TV.
I love standing at a microphone and making a room of people laugh. That's the part of the work I love; everything else is extraneous.
I'm super grateful that there wasn't social media when I was a kid, but that sort of self-doubt crept in at a young age. It's bullying. It's the comments here and there, and maybe somebody says something to you that they don't even mean to be a mean-spirited comment, but they'll just kind of say it to you in passing.
My regimen is I wake up, usually around 8:30, brush my teeth, and splash water on my face.
What's good about not being a model is that it's not the thing I trade on. Once I start looking older, that won't affect me. I have never gotten anything done because I'm, like, so gorgeous. I'm good-looking enough that I can work in the business.
We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.Collection: Funny
You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.Collection: Drinking
The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.Collection: Laughing
I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.Collection: Crush
I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.Collection: Drinking
I want to make women laugh. I want to make them feel beautiful in their own skin. I want to empower them to use their voice and not apologize.Collection: Beautiful
Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'Collection: Inspirational
I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.Collection: Beautiful
You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.Collection: Parent
I want to quit. Not performing, but being a woman altogether. I want to throw my hands in the air, after reading a mean Twitter comment, and say, 'All right! You got it. You figured me out. I'm not pretty. I'm not thin. I do not deserve to use my voice. I'll start wearing a burqa and start waiting tables at a pancake house. All my self-worth is based on what you can see.' But then I think, F*** that ... I am a woman with thoughts and questions and s*** to say. I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.Collection: Beautiful
Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries. You just are. No matter how you dress, no matter what you say or anything, and I feel strongly about that.Collection: Dresses
Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.Collection: Funny
You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.Collection: Honesty
I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.Collection: Shoes