Amy Sedaris

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I always liked my teachers, and I was in a lot of after-school projects. I was a Girl Scout until my senior year, when I couldn't be a Girl Scout anymore. I was in clubs like Junior Achievement, and I ran track and field. My grades were good, but then toward 11th grade they were nothing. I always went to summer school.
- Amy Sedaris
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I have a couple freeloader friends, but it's okay. I know they're gonna come in with their arms flying in the air empty-handed.
- Amy Sedaris
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Usually I'm the one asking somebody to do something because I don't know how to finish it. I'm like, 'Do this for me' because I'm just resistant to learning.
- Amy Sedaris
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I like to entertain in all aspects. When you're with somebody and you're out, you want to be entertained. I like to be around entertaining people. Even if they're bored, and you're in a convalescent home, there's something entertaining about that, in a way.
- Amy Sedaris
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I like to just make things... If I have the TV on, I'm not just going to sit there. I want to do something with my hands; I've always got a project. Or I get a small group of people over, and I say, 'Let's make these things today.'
- Amy Sedaris
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A lot of crafters, they're shut-ins.
- Amy Sedaris
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I have a very muscular face.
- Amy Sedaris
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I feel confident writing on my feet with improv, but it's different when you're sitting down and writing it out.
- Amy Sedaris
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Don't make anybody a homemade gift. Unless you're really good, or it's going to be really practical. If it's a little thing you think is cute 'cause you made it, just forget it.
- Amy Sedaris
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I never really take shortcuts. I was always one of those people who, instead of cutting across someone's yard on the way home from school, I would go to the end of the block and turn.
- Amy Sedaris
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I like to play unattractive people who think they're pretty. You can do what you want, but I prefer to look interesting.
- Amy Sedaris
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If I'm creating something for myself, then I want to have fun.
- Amy Sedaris
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I'm drawn to people who look different. I'm not exploiting. I'm not making fun of them. I'm drawn to them.
- Amy Sedaris
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We're all used to seeing pretty people. I want to see real people.
- Amy Sedaris
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I wouldn't call myself a shut-in. I have the ability to leave my home; I just choose not to. But because I'm such a homebody, it's important to be surrounded by things I love.
- Amy Sedaris
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Sometimes, to keep things exciting, I decorate my house as if I owned a child. I'll toss a tiny pair of shoes in the hallway or lean small wooden crutches in what I refer to as 'the baby's room,' which is actually a tiny space where I make things. I continue to call it the baby's room because it confuses people and it's creepy.
- Amy Sedaris
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I love theatrical props: a cup filled with solid fake tea, say, or a collection of fake food, including a rubber turkey, which, during the holidays, I wrap in tinfoil so it appears to have just come out of the oven.
- Amy Sedaris
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I can't imagine going to an all-girls school. I went to a public school.
- Amy Sedaris
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If I know I have to memorize lines, I'm really gonna try to memorize lines. It's hard for me sometimes, because somebody wrote these words and you're trying really hard to get them the way they said it.
- Amy Sedaris
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I love cop shows and crime books and thrillers, and before I die I'm gonna play a cop.
- Amy Sedaris
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People that know me know that I cook. I cook every night.
- Amy Sedaris
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I'm always more attracted to the unattractive.
- Amy Sedaris
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When I'm by myself, I never play music. I have a lot of it, for a girl, but I don't listen to it a lot. I hate picking music out; I'm not good at it.
- Amy Sedaris
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I have a lot of fake food in my apartment, but I'm picky about it. Old plaster food, like from the '50s is really nice, hollowed out paper-mache food from old plays - the new stuff just looks too good.
- Amy Sedaris
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A lot of times girls think they're funny, but they want to pretty at the same time, and if you want to be funny, you have to be willing to get ugly.
- Amy Sedaris
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I like working with the public, I like working with food, and I like making cash.
- Amy Sedaris
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I am an aging Girl Scout.
- Amy Sedaris
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I want witchcraft so bad that I can't stand it. I have wands in my apartment. And I use them sometimes. I walk into the kitchen with my wand, and I come out with something on a platter and I say, 'See, magic happens.' Works every time.
- Amy Sedaris
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Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his real girlfriend.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Girlfriend
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Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Pet
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I think it's good for a person to spend time alone. It gives them an opportunity to discover who they are and to figure out why they are always alone.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Being Alone
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Most people think witches are a coven of lesbians dancing naked in the forest celebrating the semen stolen from imprisoned hypnotized males, which they then use to inseminate one another using turkey basters in order to create a legion of demon babies. Well, that's only part of it. We are also active in community outreach programs.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Baby
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It's natural for humans to suppress urges, for when our desires are left unchecked they lead to broken relationships, prison time, and forest fires.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Prison Time
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Before you can give of yourself to others you must know what of yourself you have to give. Every person is special. In all the land there is only one you, possibly two, but seldom more than sixteen.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Land
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If you see a shy person, ask them some questions like, 'Why are you so shy? Tell everyone, we're all listening.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Listening
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Learn more about yourself! Make a self-esteem collage using pictures of other people you wish you were.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Self Esteem
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I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed REALLY hard.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Men
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Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Relationship
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As my guests leave even my most simple parties, I consistently hear the same thing: 'That was the best time I ever had,' and it's always me saying it. But I do know in my heart they all feel the same way, probably.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Party
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Sometimes it's just enough for me to have the idea. I don't need to see it through to the end. When it actually happens, I'm always disappointed because it's never like what I imagined in my head. When an idea becomes a reality, then it's a job. I'd rather just think about it.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Jobs
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Usually, the best ideas come from other people's good ideas, which then, after a short gestation period, become your ideas.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Gestation Period
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Begin your story with a sentence that will immediately grab hold of your listener's ears like a surly nun in a Catholic school.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: School
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If you decide on having an alcoholic at your party, make sure it's a large gathering. This way, until the alcoholic begins removing their clothes or dangling the cat out the window, they can sort of blend in. An alcoholic at a small gathering is called an intervention.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Party
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I was just a kid. I think I stole a candy bar. I remember feeling so terrible. It was the worst shock. I was probably 7. That's my least favorite feeling: guilt.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Kids
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although it has been said that idle hands are the devil's workshop, when it comes to teenagers, both idle and active hands are the devil's workshop.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Teenager
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I like it when people who aren't so attractive, or they have a whole lot of hurdles to get over, I like it when they dress up and they look presentable. That, to me, just touches me.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: People
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I just hate the whole idea of labeling anything as a comedy. If you tell me something's funny, I'll want to rebel against it. When I go to a bookstore and see books categorized as humor, I get furious. Don't tell me that a book is funny. Let me decide if it's funny. It's the same with sitcoms. You call something a sitcom and people expect it to be funny. And that ruins everything.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Hate
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Don't associate me with comedy. And please don't say actress. I would never call myself any of those things. I hate it when people call me that.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Hate
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That's how all theater should be done - you only have one chance to see it and then it's gone. One night only.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Night