Amy Sedaris

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When I meet a new person, something has to be a little off for me to consider them beautiful. It could be crooked teeth, or veins in their skin that are a little too visible, or a really dramatic lazy eye. The first guy I ever kissed had a water head.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Beautiful
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My mother always said 'Don't bother other people.' I think that's good advice.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Mom
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Fire had an almost magical quality that suggested anything was possible. Early on, man even believed that fire was a god that had to be fed with animal sacrifices in order to burn brightly. Today we have evolved a long way from this ridiculous notion of a 'fire god' and now rightfully understand God to be a bearded being who lives amongst the clouds and hates Jews and homosexuals.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: God
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I'm drawn to real-life characters. A lot of the characters I play, I've had in me since second grade. I've been dragging them around my entire life, and then sometimes I marry them with different people. But seldom have I really come up with a new character. In my head it's like, "I'll pull that person out that I've been doing since sixth grade and see where they're at right now.".
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Character
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Imagination! My problem is that I have so many ideas, I never have enough time to use them all. Just the other day I thought up eleven things I could do with a flowerpot. Eleven! Three of those things didn't even involve plants.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Ideas
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Some crafts have been practiced for centuries. These crafts were created using skills passed from generation to generation, and were motivated by necessity such as baskets and pottery, or artistic expression, such as more baskets and more pottery. Today, there is a much more leisurely attitude toward crafting, and virtually anyone without a job and access to pipe cleaners can join the elite society of crafters.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Jobs
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I've never played anyone who didn't like themselves. I don't care if they're unattractive, but it's important that they think of themselves as attractive. And I guess that's part of their charm.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Thinking
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That's why I love improvisational theater so much - you do it [scene] once and then it's done. You don't get bogged down with a lot of preplanning and repetition. If I do something and it gets a laugh, I don't want to do it again. Why bother? I'm just repeating myself. It's boring.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Laughing
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The moment someone says, 'Hey, everyone, listen to the words in this song,' your party is over.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Inspirational
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I listen. I like to give advice. Mostly, Ill just try to listen to my friends, and theyll say the same thing over and over again.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Giving
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My little brother Paul. He owns his own floor sanding business called Silly P Hardwood Floors and hes really good.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Brother
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On the off chance that you have children, don't clean up at all. As children, my brother and sister and I loved waking up early and playing cocktail party with the leftover debris
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Brother
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When you hear someone use the word 'meds' instead of the word 'medicine,' chances are they're no stranger to massive doses of mind-altering psychotropic drugs. Back out of the room slowly.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Medicine
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I love old cookbooks. I just got such a kick out of them, how the color would be way off or fake looking. The cook books now look so much like magazines, you'll never make food that looks like that. I'd rather see it the ugly way than they way they do it now.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Book
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All my muscles are in my face. I have a very muscular face. I'm good with faces. I always have been.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Faces
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I’ve named everything that I’ve ever owned. Real or inanimate, I have to give it a first and last name. Everything in my apartment comes alive at night.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Real
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I always got along with all types of people - popular people as well as drug addicts.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: People
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There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a hospitable person and have groups of people in your home touching your personables.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Home
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I love depressing movies and depressing books.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Depressing
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Crafting is putting ideas into action and then holding them together with an inexpensive adhesive.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Ideas
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I've always been drawn to people with problems. Not just physical problems, but mental problems too. Like depressed people or killers, all that stuff.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: People
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I've never done heroin or slept with people for money or anything.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: People
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I like to entertain in all aspects. When you're with somebody and you're out, you want to be entertained.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Want
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If you cannot come to the party, do not cancel at the last minute or give a message to a child to inform the host. And don't bother explaining why you can't attend because anything after 'because' is bullshit.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Children
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I don't really consider myself to be a comedian. I mean, it's not like I'm sitting around writing jokes or anything. I just like dressing up and pretending to be other people.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Writing
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I don't know my telephone number or anything like that, but when I do have to make a call, I just pull my body over to the side and squat. I don't want to be one of those people who are on their phone all the time.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: People
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Crafting, or 'making things,' has always been a delightful pastime of mine because it requires putting common elements together in order to achieve a lovely something that nobody needs.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Order
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Exercise your imagination muscle! How many uses can you come up with for a flowerpot? Write down your answers. But don't write them in this book. Grab a separate sheet of paper. I didn't spend two and a half weeks writing a book just so you could mark up the pages with your silly ideas for things you can do with a flowerpot. When it comes down to it, what's wrong with a flowerpot not being a flowerpot? Why is nothing ever good enough for you?
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Silly
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Gift-wrap the framed artwork on your walls and rehang them - what's nicer than a wall of presents to look at?
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Wall
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I like to be around entertaining people. Even if they're bored, and you're in a convalescent home, there's something entertaining about that, in a way.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Home
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I've been to some funerals where there's a lot of laughing - it's about celebrating their new journey. I can't think of anything. There's humor in everything. There's gotta be humor in everything.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Journey
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I always want to look unattractive, it's more fun. I like playing opposites, people who aren't attractive who think they are pretty. That's always interesting to me.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Fun
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I'm not very good with drink recipes. If I'm entertaining, I like to come up with a house drink for the evening, one thing I'll make for the whole evening of the whole month.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: House
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I need a costume to be convinced that I'm somebody else. Otherwise, it's just me. It's just Amy saying lines. I haven't really become somebody else. And what's the fun in that?
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Fun
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I did shoplift but I didn't get in trouble for it. I shoplifted a lot when I was little. Candy. I would steal candy.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Littles
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You just can't enjoy any of the movie when you're in it.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Enjoy
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I like dramas and stuff. That's what I watch, but it seems weird that I'd be in it.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Drama
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I'm more of a clown, a tragic clown. Yeah. I just like humor to come out of characters.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Character
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I try to pick music for a diner that doesnt involve a lot of lyrics, so you're not paying attention to that. As long as it doesnt dominate the party, it should be more atmosphere music. When I'm by myself, I never play music.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Party
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I don't mind pointing out some of the failings of old age, because we are all headed in that direction, unless of course we take our own lives before we become a burden. I'm not advocating suicide, oh wait, I guess I am.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Suicide
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When I'm by myself, I never play music. I have a lot of it, for a girl, but I don't listen to it a lot. I hate picking music out, I'm not good at it.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Girl
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Don’t leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his real girlfriend.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Romance
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Don’t answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you’re joking.
- Amy Sedaris
Collection: Romance