Anthony Jeselnik
I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'
Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and 'I hope horrible things don't happen to my family,' but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really.
I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.
The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing for 11 years as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.
On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.
In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.
I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.
I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn't be trying these things. That's ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks.
Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.
I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it.
People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.Collection: Fun
My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.Collection: Girlfriend
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.Collection: Girlfriend
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.Collection: Funny
When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.Collection: Funny
About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?Collection: Kids
My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.Collection: Religious
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.Collection: Funny
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.Collection: Girlfriend
The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'Collection: Laughter
I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.Collection: Email
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.Collection: Funny
My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?Collection: Girlfriend
My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.Collection: Dad
I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.Collection: Girl
You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.Collection: Hands
Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I've heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.Collection: Baseball
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.Collection: Funny
I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.Collection: Suicidal
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.Collection: Cat
I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.Collection: Girlfriend
Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.Collection: Girl
I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.Collection: Tattoo
My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.Collection: Funny
I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.Collection: Funny
You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.Collection: Hands
The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.Collection: Opposites
Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.Collection: Mother
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.Collection: Sorry
Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.Collection: Jobs
I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.Collection: Girl
I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.Collection: Sex
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.Collection: Soccer