Anthony Jeselnik

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The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Century
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It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Guy
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My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Funny
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I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: People
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In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Night
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There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Jobs
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My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Family
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I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Kids
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I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Mother
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I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Alcohol
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My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Funny
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Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Children
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My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Funny
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2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Summer
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I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Cynical
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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Team
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My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Girlfriend
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On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Thinking
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I'll be very busy, which is all I need.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Needs
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I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Thinking
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I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Thinking
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I tell very mean jokes.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Mean
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Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Valentine
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I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Smart
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I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Writing
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I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Couple
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I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Writing
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In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Hate
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I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Comedy
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Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels like I’m watching a third tower collapse.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Tv Shows
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I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Thinking
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I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Growing Up
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Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Tattoo
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I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Death
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What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Hate
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I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Writing
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God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Sound
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Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Thinking
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I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Dog
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I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Jobs
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I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Girlfriend
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Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Want
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I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Royal Wedding
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I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Girlfriend
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I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don't mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is sitting there scratching their heads, that's just as good for me if I like the joke, because I feel like it just brings people in more.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: People
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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Notebook
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I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there." It drives me crazy.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Crazy
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I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Silly
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I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Atheist