Anthony Jeselnik

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I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Morning
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I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Laughing
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It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Passing Away
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I didn't care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn't know anything about me in New Zealand. If I had made jokes about a shark attack in the US, no one would have cared.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Thinking
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Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Titles
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I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Gay
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Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Thinking
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I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Ties
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Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Jobs
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I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Thinking
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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Funny
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I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Funny
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Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Writing
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My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Mom
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I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Nice
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I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Baby
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I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Funny
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I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Girl
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This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Girlfriend
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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Funny
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My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Funny
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Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Funny
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Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Writing
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You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Funny
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Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Funny
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I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Night
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My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Girlfriend
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I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Cousin
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Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Country
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I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Girlfriend
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A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Funny
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My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Baby
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Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Baby
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Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or "My dad keeps losing his car keys." And then I just think of different ways the story could end. "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend." Then I try it out on stage. I don't do a lot of re-writing. My jokes either work or they don't. The trick is just to write a ton of jokes.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Girlfriend
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I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Knives
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You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Uncles
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I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Girlfriend
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I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Squirrels
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Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Children
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The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Girl
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Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Grandpa
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My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Dad
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I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Funny
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I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Jobs
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I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Book
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We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Funny
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I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Dark
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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little "faces."
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Children
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Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.
- Anthony Jeselnik
Collection: Childhood