Steven Wright
I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
What a nice night for an evening.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
I'm addicted to placebos.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.
I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Hermits have no peer pressure.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
So, do you live around here often?
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'