Steven Wright
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?Collection: Funny
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.Collection: Inspirational
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!Collection: Trying
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!Collection: Funny
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?Collection: Funny
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.Collection: Funny
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.Collection: Funny
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.Collection: Names
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.Collection: Funny
I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.Collection: Space
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .Collection: Funny
I lost a button hole.Collection: Funny
My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.Collection: School
I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.Collection: Beach
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.Collection: Funny
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.Collection: Zero
If you shoot a Mime, do you need to use a silencer?Collection: Needs
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?Collection: Inspirational
Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.Collection: Distance
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.Collection: Funny
Do you have any toy train schedules?Collection: Schedules
I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."Collection: Dog
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.Collection: Funny
Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.Collection: Time
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.Collection: Funny
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.Collection: Funny
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.Collection: Funny
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?Collection: Life
I washed mud off of mud.Collection: Funny
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quickCollection: Funny
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."Collection: Funny
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.Collection: Funny
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.Collection: Funny
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.Collection: Yesterday
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.Collection: Lasts
I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.Collection: United States
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?Collection: Funny
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.Collection: Funny
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?Collection: Men
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.Collection: Funny
How come abbreviated is such a long word?Collection: Funny
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?Collection: Funny
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.Collection: Matter
Consciousness: That annoying time between napsCollection: Sleep
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.Collection: Work
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?Collection: Funny
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.Collection: Funny
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?Collection: Funny
The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.Collection: Kids