Yakov Smirnoff
Americans think Soviets are so grim. I want them to see that they can smile.Collection: Smile
I have American in-laws, and I care about the environment. We don't use disposable diapers, which, of course, creates an environmental problem of our own.Collection: Environmental
Falling in love is a chemical reaction. But it wears off in a year. That's why you need a strong line of communication... which includes laughter.Collection: Communication
We have been learning since we were children how to make money, buy things, build things. The whole education system is set up to teach us how to think, not to feel.Collection: Learning
We may have forgotten how to feel. Nobody is teaching us how to live happily ever after, as we've heard in fairy tales.Collection: Teacher
If love is the treasure, laughter is the key.
Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.
In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.
Balance is so important in our lives. In our busy world, we can give ourselves balance between thinking and feeling.
I believe that love and laughter can only happen when one person takes the time to think about what would cause the other person to feel good.
When the needs of one person are being met by the other, there is laughter.
It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart.
The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.
Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.
We have a choice - we can both think and feel, using our heads and our hearts.
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.
I believe there is a direct correlation between love and laughter.
My father described this tall lady who stands in the middle of the New York harbor, holding high a torch to welcome people seeking freedom in America. I instantly fell in love.
In today's society we sometimes forget to balance our hearts and our heads; this is the reason we stop laughing.
I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter.
I fed my ego, but not my soul.
Never having alone time is real tough on people.
As Americans after 9/11, we're much more united, together as a nation, and we got stronger, better, and more at peace. By peace, I mean the harmony you can feel in our united determination to fight these terrorists and killers.
To my real estate agent, Chernobyl is a fixer-upper.
I came to America to make it my home, and I did.
Men and women are immigrants in each other's worlds.
After the Soviet Union collapsed, people thought I wasn't funny anymore.
If you have something important to say, Broadway and New York are great places to say it.
Comedians are always hitting the topical notes that are on everybody's minds.
Falling in love is a chemical reaction. But it wears off in a year.
People in Tulsa are totally friendly; the crowds are very nice.
When you like something, you find time to do it.
There's depth in my comedy.
The reason gas prices are so high is because the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington.
I was this non-threatening funny guy who contrasted the image of the Brezhnevs and the Reagans of the world.
I was not only typecast as a Russian, but I was typecast as Yakov Smirnoff. This is understandable, and I was very happy to get the roles, but it would be nice to be in a movie where I could be someone else.
In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!Collection: Funny
In every country, they make fun of city. In U.S. you make fun of Cleveland. In Russia, we make fun of Cleveland.Collection: Country
In America, you break law. In Soviet Russia, law breaks you! In America, you watch Big Brother. In Soviet Russia, Big Brother watch you!Collection: Brother
Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.Collection: Funny
Russian men have a saying: "Women are like buses..." That's it.Collection: Men
In America, you assassinate president. In Soviet Russia, president assassinate you!Collection: Russia
In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.Collection: Funny
In America, your job determines your marks. In Soviet Russia, Marx determine your job!Collection: Jobs
In America, you drive car. In Soviet Russia, car drive you!Collection: Russia
I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to.Collection: Men
In Soviet Russia, party always finds you!Collection: Party
I was a comedian in Russia, and I worked on the cruise ships there. I met a lot of Americans, and they were laughing even though I didn't speak their language.Collection: Russia
A Russian Reversal quote on Uncyclopedia's Soviet Union article? How original.Collection: Unions